Not Again, Never Again
by MakoRain
Summary: Epilogue in Tifa depressed series, cuz there is no way I could leave it like that and make it make sense. Rated M for ending.


A/N: This is something I wrote in an emotional crisis…it can be considered the epilogue to the entire Tifa depressed series (Sharp Numbness, Whole Again, and Below the Surface). It's how it had to be, I'm sorry if it makes anyone depressed but I had to get it out. All standard disclaimers apply.

"**Not Again…Never Again"**

By MakoRain

_Take Two-Now_

"I'll go back."

She needed this, she thought, shaking the pill bottle in her hand and dropping two into her palm. The bottle was soon replaced with a glass of water while her other hand still weighed the pills there. _How could two little tablets make it all better? Make it all go away?_ She recalled earlier times with these babies and longed to forget. It was all a handful away…and so, she swallowed them down with the water, feeling better already.

_Real Treatment-After the return (after then)_

The clock ticked on the wall of the tiny office and Tifa fought the urge to pull it from its place and throw it out the window to continue its tormenting ticking to the public far below but no, she couldn't do that, she'd come off as crazy. She would not be seen as a crazy person; least of all to a shrink being paid however many hundreds of dollars an hour to look at her like that. What was he staring at? Quickly she looked down to her hands, focusing on her nails. When had she let her cuticles become so bad? Might have been during those touch and go times, everything was a bit fuzzy…

"Miss Lockheart?"

"Hmm?" Tifa looked up at the sound of her name, momentarily unaware of her surroundings. There was a letter opener in front of her on the desk and she absentmindedly took it, twirling the cool silver in her hands. The sunlight caught the moving metal in her hand and almost blinded her when it struck the shiny name plate that read Dr. Lavasseur in crisp clean letters. Sounding out the foreign name in her mind gave her a headache but that was not to be helped.

"Would you like to begin?"

He motioned to the lounge chair you see all psychologists…no, wait, she had a psychiatrist, he had the pills that would make it all better, have patients lay on in their office to listen to your deep dark secrets while getting rich for your hour of emotional hell. _Hey, couldn't be any worse than what I've gone through._ Tifa sighed, put the letter opener back on the desk and stood. _Might as well give it a shot._

_Questions _

"How are you feeling today?" Dr.Lavasseur tapped his pen against his pad of paper and right now it drowned out the ticking noise if possible.

"Fine." Tifa closed her eyes, blocking out the ceiling fan from view as she internally cringed from the word. She was not fine, she had never been fine. Fine was a lie she had to move away from.

"Maybe I'm not fine."

"That's a good start…"

The silence hung in the air and it needed to be filled, that void couldn't go unnoticed for very long and she felt it was her duty to break that silence.

"My mother died when I was young."

"And how does that make you feel?" Back to the pen tapping on that yellow legal pad, so crisp and clean it seemed wrong of her to make him fill it with her mindless jabbering.

"Alone."

_Like Before-why all the questions (earliest of then)_

"I can't do this anymore. I hurt you. You hurt me. I hurt me." What was going on? She had no reason to be this blunt with Cloud and yet there it was, out in the open, just like how it all began before.

"Tifa."

"Just go!" The anger was there out of nowhere and her hand struck out, missing him with one fluid motion. Cloud sidestepped and grabbed Tifa's arm at her wrist and pushed up the sleeves. What he saw there made his heart ache.

"No, Teef…"

He should have known. She quickly pulled her arm away and put the sleeve in place, attempting to cover her pain visible in the fresh wounds.

"Not again."

Her head snapped from its focus on the floorboards to his face.

"What did you expect? That it would all just go away? I tried, Cloud, I did. But it's stronger…it always wins."

Her voice was so soft that Cloud barely heard that last part. She had changed so much, her soft glow turned pale with the worries and pain, her hair dull and no longer shining with each movement. She was so…fragile. He didn't know how much more he could take, afraid she would break of her own free will, shattering on impact of the fall. If she fell, he would catch her and hold her tightly together like before.

_More Questions- afterwards (more then)_

"So how'd it go?" Cloud asked quietly, moving behind the counter of Seventh Heaven to get her a glass of water. The bag shook in her hands, the little tablets jingling with each movement. _Pills…why did it have to be pills?_ He looked up to see her still in the door way, making no attempt to answer his question yet alone move a step further and so he came to her, leaving the water on the bar table. Cloud's hands were soft on her own as faced her, moving directly into her line of space out vision so she could not look away.

"Tifa, everything will be alright."

She heard the words, saw his lips move, but they made no sense. Alright? _Alright?_ _How could they be all right?_ All of those thoughts the shrink pulled from her mind raced about trying to beat each other to the finish line, seeing which would break her first. Her mother's death, the accident, the promise, Cloud leaving, waiting…waiting for so long. She had used good time of her hour and was amazed at Dr.Lavasseur's skills at making it all just pour out of her like rain from an overfilled cloud. Tifa was opening up, but where was the stopping point? Why did the thoughts still follow her home? He opened the door but forgot to lock it after he was done.

"I'm here."

Cloud's arms held her in a gentle embrace, his affection shown more and more every day since that time out on the roof with the rain. She could have ended it there, made all of this go away before it had a chance to start, but he wouldn't let her and she loved him for it. Yes, as long as he was there, she could hold it together…hopefully.

_Dangerous Plans- starting and stopping (leading to now)_

Sephiroth, Avalanche, so many deaths, Aerith, Cloud leaving, the stigma, Sephiroth returning, Cloud returning over and over…it all blend together and her head couldn't sort out the separate images. It was all going too fast, too fast; not letting her mind spread it all out and think it through. It was time to make it stop.

"The pills they gave me numbed my mind, all of my plans hazy around the edges. But then I moved through the fog, broke the bubble sheltering me from the real world and the cold brushed it all away. It is clear now."

Without any further explanation, Tifa turned and walked up the stairs to her room. Cloud stood in place, unable to move until he heard the click of her door close. He found himself outside of that door, just across from his, but he felt better with his forehead pressed against the wood, knowing she was doing the same thing on the other side.

She always did this, it was her way of thinking after a confrontation with him and judging from the creaking of the floorboards he was mirroring her outside of her door. The shadows moved below the crack where the door met the floor of her room, darkness moving to turn and step back. Tifa turned and walked to her bed, turning back again with a small comfort of the light completely blocked by his body. Cloud slid his back down the door, leaning against it and thunking his head a bit as his form met the floor. He would be there for her when she woke up.

_The end of it once and for all-(later than now)_

_Do you remember how it all began? I miss those days._

_I don't want there to be sadness from you for me…I no longer want to be your source of pain-I will _not_ be _her_ for you in the living world. _

_I miss the rain…it doesn't feel anymore…I can't feel it, Cloud. I want to feel one last time._

Lightning split across the sky illuminating the words Cloud read over and over again quickly, his mind unable to digest what they meant. The thunder soon followed but was drowned out by the sound of the blood rushing to his head, his heartbeat all he could hear. The rain stung as he ran out into the cold…she would have had to walk so she couldn't be far. _When did she leave this?_

The storm grew and it was soon hard to see through the sheets of rain but she didn't care, she could finally feel it. All the numbness and pain was replaced with the wet reality of the rain on her skin, slick and cool to the touch.

_I want to be like this forever._

The heights did not scare her, or the churning waters below with jagged rocks visible in the moving surf. The air comforted her with its hold, almost embracing her with its cool breeze and water. The wind blew her hair in a curtain across her face but his voice still carried to her, it always did.

The storm was clearing up and Cloud could see her standing at the edge of the cliff, a peaceful look on her face, her hair slicked back and water running down her face like she loved when they were little and decided to play in the rain. But this was a game that he could not afford to lose.

"Tifa!"

She turned to face him and smiled. It was something so rarely seen that the sight froze him to the spot. Tifa was happy…but she was going to take all of his happiness away if he didn't do something.

"Please, don't."

A mouthed "I love you" was taken by the wind and the sun started to come out behind stormy clouds. The light caught the drops of rain still falling from the sky and a rainbow was seen in the drop in front of his face before his view of her.

"I love you."

One moment she was there and the next…gone.

Even with the pain, it is still as it was meant to be

The Real End


End file.
